‘The VelociPastor’ Is The Movie We Need Right Now

If you have access to Amazon Prime or at least Tubi, you should check out The VelociPastor, a low-budget action comedy horror that needs to be seen.

Edward D. Wood Jr. would’ve made a movie like this back in the day. The movie starts out within the first few minutes of showing how cheap it is by not even having a special effect but a title card for a car explosion. But before that, another title card reads: “Rated X by an all-Christian jury.” And I have to give the movie props because this is a reference to Melvin Van Peeble’s Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song which proclaimed it was “Rated X by an all-white jury.”

However, I wonder if writer-director Brendan Steere had seen that movie. But even if he hadn’t, it’s still a good joke. Checking on his background, I could see that Steere went to the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan where he got the idea for this movie on an autocorrect when he typed “velociraptor” in his phone. With a budget of $35,000, he made this movie and it’s worth every penny.

Gregory James Cohan plays Doug Jones, a young priest who questions his faith after he sees his parents killed in the car explosion we don’t see. On advice from the older priest, Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) who comforts him telling him that “parents die, that’s what they do,” he decides to take some time for himself.

So Doug takes a trip to China (or some wooded area) where he witnesses a Chinese woman killed by an arrow. She hands him a big tooth and calls it the “dragon’s tooth.” The tooth unfortunately makes a cut in Doug’s hand. When he returns to his parish, he suffers from nightmares and goes off running into the dark at night, turning into a velociraptor which looks like those dinosaur costumes people buy at stores and wear for fun at Halloween.

He kills a man who is about to attack a prostitute, Carol (Alyssa Kempinski). But initially thinking they had sex when he wakes up naked in her bed, she tells him about what he did. So, after some talk and coercion, Doug takes up her idea of killing the scum of the town. One of his earliest victims is Carol’s pimp, Frankie Mermaid (Fernando Pacheco de Castro) after learning in confession, Mermaid is responsible for his parents death.

But Doug and Carol realize that a ninja drug crime ring is being run by Wei Chan (Yang Jiecheng) linked to him and the “dragon’s tooth.” This leads to a lot of “fights” that take place in people’s backyards and public parks. The “fights” are more like people throwing kicks and chops that don’t even come close and then falling down as whoever is operating the costume tries to make it looks like he’s fighting.

It’s an awful movie with cheap effects, but doesn’t take itself too seriously. Most of the cast consists of actors who have had minor roles in movies and TV shows that aren’t much of a step up from this. You don’t go into a movie like this expecting much of just cheap schlock and it delivers.

With all that’s going on in the world, you need a good 75 minutes of escape like this.

What do you think? Please comment.

Published by bobbyzane420

I'm an award winning journalist and photographer who covered dozens of homicides and even interviewed President Jimmy Carter on multiple occasions. A back injury in 2011 and other family medical emergencies sidelined my journalism career. But now, I'm doing my own thing, focusing on movies (one of my favorite topics), current events and politics (another favorite topic) and just anything I feel needs to be posted. Thank you for reading.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: