‘Christmas Bloody Christmas’ Is A Bloody F@$&in’ Mess

Christmas Bloody Christmas is the lastest entry in the Killer Santa subgenre of horror that has exploded in the last couple of decades. Even though it’s not good, I still think Goldberg killed it as a murdering Santa in Santa’s Slay. But this one is a mixture of Bad Santa meets The Terminator with a little bit of Clerks sprinkled in.

I give Jeff Begos, who wrote and directed this movie, some credit for casting Riley Dandy as the heroine Tori Tooms. Dandy also appears in this year’s A Hollywood Christmas as well as has appeared in the Halllmarkian Netflix movie That’s Amor, A California Christmas: City Lights and A Kiss on Candy Cane Lane. There’s something mischievious about casting an actress who’s been in in the type of holiday movies her character despises.

Unfortunately, I could’ve done without the boring first half of this movie as Tori and her co-worker or boyfriend or both, Robbie Reynolds (Sam Delich), spend most of the first 30 minutes talking about pop culture and movies like a romantic Dante and Randall from Clerks. And they swear so much it can make those characters blush. I mean, the word “fuck” and it’s variations is reportedly said 487 times. I know this because Josh Ethier, the movie’s editor, posted it on his Twitter account. At 87 minutes with credits, that’s about 5.6 FPM (Fucks Per Minute). This puts the movie in the top five with the most usage edging out Casino and just under Uncut Gems.

If Robot Santa cussed, I’m sure it would have been much higher. The movie is set in a snow-covered unnamed town on Christmas Eve as Tori and Robbie are leaving work at a record and entertainment store so they can go to the nearest bar and get drunk. And talk about what are the best Christmas movies. Their banter reminds me of Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder in Destination Wedding, but not as pleasant. I’m not sure if they are fighting or flirting as they say “fuck” every other word and people say “fuck” to them. It’s almost like the scene in Being John Malkovich where all the people say “Malkovich.”

But there’s a toy store in town that has a new Robot Santa (Abraham Benrubi) that for no reason explained malfunctions and turns violent, killing anyone in his way. There’s a brief news report about them Robot Santas being recalled. Eventually it working its way to where Tori and Robbie just had some wild sex because of course they did. I don’t want to ruin what happens next but Tori can’t get anyone to believer her. Even Sheriff Monroe (Jeff Daniel Phillips), who’s sympathetic to her as she is drenched in blood, doubts there is a murdering Robot Santa until he sees himself.

The movie, currently streaming on Shudder, has been getting good reviews, but I just don’t see it. Degos does assemble an impressive cast. Phillips has appeared in many Rob Zombie movies including playing Herman Munster in The Munsters movie. Benrubi has been around for decades appearing in TV shows like ER and working alongside Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner in Open Range. He plays Robot Santa without much emotion. It’s basically a job in which he just hacks someone with an axe and then just hacks another person with an axe. And once you’ve seen one person hacked to death with an axe, you’ve seen them all.

Some people might enjoy it. This Christmas holiday season, we already have Violent Night, which looks more like a big-screen adaptation of the fake The Night The Reindeer Died TV movie in Scrooged. There’s also The Mean One, which is supposed to be a a horror slasher parody of Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas. It makes you nostaglia for the olden days where Alan Rickman’s Hans Gruber was just shooting people in the head on Christmas Eve.

But even for a movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously, this movie should have been more fun than what we see. The movie begins with some fake commercials that remind me of the ones in Paul Verhoeven’s RoboCop. I’m sure Degos intended it that way. But when the dialogue is just people saying dirty words like the first time their parents left them at home, it’s hard to care about the characters that much.

It reminds me of what Steven Spielberg said while reading Peter Benchley’s Jaws while in preproduction on that movie. He said about halfway through the characters were so detestable he began to root for the shark. For the way, the characters act in this movie, maybe Robot Santa has been sent to punish the naughty people.

What do you think? Please comment.

Published by bobbyzane420

I'm an award winning journalist and photographer who covered dozens of homicides and even interviewed President Jimmy Carter on multiple occasions. A back injury in 2011 and other family medical emergencies sidelined my journalism career. But now, I'm doing my own thing, focusing on movies (one of my favorite topics), current events and politics (another favorite topic) and just anything I feel needs to be posted. Thank you for reading.

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