Every now and again, a movie comes along where an actor gives such a good performance in an otherwise uneven and lackluster story, it keeps you watching but you really don’t have a desire to see it again.
If I Had Legs, I Would Kick You is such a movie that works so much on Rose Byrne’s performance which is the only thing worth seeing. I have to say the blame falls on Mary Bronstein, who hasn’t directed a movie since 2008 and hasn’t had a writing credit since 2011. I feel she wrote this script 15-20 years ago and didn’t polish it.
What Bronstein attempts to do with this movie, Bad Moms did with raunchy humor, The Babadook did with horror, Tully did with fantasy with social commentary and The Lost Daughter did with dramatic brutal honesty. A lot of modern mothers are just overwhelmed beyond their capacity dealing with a patriarchal society. They’re expected to move mountains and still have dinner prepared by 6 p.m., even if they have a full-time job.
And they don’t get much help or support from anyone, including other women. Byrne plays Linda, a psychotherapist who lives and works in the Montauk area of Long Island, N.Y. Her husband, Charles (Christian Slater) is a ship captain constantly away at sea. They have a daughter (Delany Quinn) who has health issues and needs a feeding tube. The daughter is mostly seen fully. But her voice is heard. And not one single sentence out of her mouth is pleasant. It sounds like a cat in heat and she keeps whining and screaming finding fault with everything.
No one Linda interacts with seems to act much pleasant either. Her daughter is in a day hospital program which the medical staff aren’t very caring. Her clientele consists of people who are either apprehensive or standoffish. They all seem to be characters who such be seeking mental health in a more controlled environment rather one once a week in outpatient care. Linda’s own therapist (Conan O’Brien) is also her business partner. But he seems not to really be listening to her problems.
At home, things grow worse when their condo is flooded with a burst pipe. And the construction crews say they have to halt repairs due to a death in the family. At the same time, Charles just seems to call in to complain that Linda isn’t doing enough as her and their daughter have to stay in a mediocre mote. There’s a great set-up here but after the first half of a movie that is nearly two hours long, you will know where everything is headed up to the horrible scene where Linda get her daughter a hamster.
Bronstein just gives us the usual cliched movie where a character exists in an environment that seems to be falling apart and only the main character can see it but is helpless to do anything. I understand what Bronstein is trying to do. Are the people really being antagonistic toward Linda or is she just thinking they are because that’s the way we sometimes view things?
Some people have even theorized the daughter isn’t real as Linda says she had an abortion and she’s struggling from the guilt as to why we never see her face. Being a parent is a job that never ends until your life does. You may not ever think you’re ever going to have a moment to relax. But you may feel guilty if you do or jealous if another parent gets that moment. And raising a child with a serious health condition means there’s very little time for individual rest and relaxation.
Byrne gives the right performance for such a character as we never know how Linda will react to a situation that she finds herself laughing and in another one crying. She’s been nominated for an Oscar for her role in this movie and won the Golden Globe in the Musical-Comedy category. However, Jessie Buckley is being favored for her role in Hamnet.
Yet, Oscar voters might be second-guessing their decision after a recent interview where Buckley happily said she forced her future husband Freddie Sorensen to get rid of his two cats when they started dating. This has led to a lot of backlash about 10 days from the 2026 telecast, it may be too late to make a decision. I would like to see Byrne win as she had a very versatile career for over 30 years.
What do you think? Please comment.
Zane Says 