By now as we put a close on 2024, it should be evident that streaming services have become the dumping grounds for bad movies. Usually, studios did this in January. But why wait until the new year when you can just dump it on a streaming service and get the write off for the next year.
As much as we criticize David Zaslav of Warner Discovery, at least he has the right idea by tossing away stuff he doesn’t like and getting a multi-million dollar write-off. But apparently, that’s too unpopular with some people saying the public should decide. OK. But let me offer you a suggestion and avoid Nutcrackers, a hokey Christmas-based movie that feels like the script has been around since the time Walter Mondale ran for President.
At one point, David Gordon Green seemed to be a film critic’s darling before he decided that everything he did should feature Danny McBride who basically acts like a child at the community pool constantly screaming to get the parent’s attention. And for reasons I just don’t understand, McBride has surprisingly become a big star and very popular. Even the “Git ‘er done” fans are consider high brow compared to McBride who along with Green have decided the best thing they can do is give one big “Fuck You!” to movie lovers by producing fan fiction passed off as “new horror classics” from Blumhouse.
However, even The Exorcist: Believer was a disaster that had Green’s most loyal fans saying it sucks. So, McBride is missing in Nutcrackers but Ben Stiller, who might have cast McBride in his only good movie, Tropic Thunder, is the star of this movie. It’s your typical bigwig from the city goes to the boondocks to look after some unruly kids and over time they bond and become a family.
You can go vomit now. Just come back to reading this.
It’s not even funny. It’s more drama than comedy. The kids look like Hanson from 1997, which is funny because a character says they thought they were all girls. So did I. They are played by real-life brothers who are named Janson (Homer, Ulysses, Atlas and Arlo).
And it’s no surprise this movie comes out within a month of the film adaptation of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever which is about an unruly set of kids who are cast in the local Christmas pageant and show the town they can be good kids and show the town elders a thing or two. What a twist!
Here, the unruly kids are called Kicklighter and the small Ohio town is out of one of those silly movies or books where every conversation with the townspeople is about the kids who are the Disney-style of unruly which is appropriate considering that this is on Hulu. They sneak into a carnival at night and ride the Ferris Wheel. Yes, call in the SWAT Team.
And Stiller is a big-style realtor in Chicagoland who is trying to close a huge deal that will make him a lot of money. So, he’s the bad guy because he pigeonholed into taking care of his nephews following the death of his sister and brother-in-law, who were distant themselves from him. And social worker Gretchen Rice (Linda Cardinelli in a thankless role) can’t find the right foster parents who want to take in four young boys. Oh, Gretchen also drives a motorcycle. It’s not a chopper but a motorcycle a woman would ride that would seem just a little out of touch for a social worker in a small Ohio community.
This movie throws in so many cliches and tropes that by the time the Kicklighter children are talking into performing their own version of The Nutcracker, I just couldn’t finish it anymore. (And I’d bet someone knew The Best Christmas Pageant Ever was being made and forced this into production so fast.) I fast forwarded to the end where Stiller’s character lets it slip to Gretchen something bad about the Kicklighter children which one hears mere moments before they’re suppose to start the show.
But for some reason, they decide to perform out the middle of the street outside the theater where everyone sees that the Kicklighter children know ballet. Wow! I didn’t like this movie at all. It’s patronizing and pretentious. It’s the type of heartfelt schlock that even Ned Flanders would find himself cringing at. I’m sure Stiller must’ve owed someone a big favor or needed to make a huge payment somewhere.
As for the Janson brothers, their acting is terrible. But it’s not really their faults. The parts are written so wooden and their lack of experience is like watching a classroom of bored students after lunch having to read as characters in a play.
What do you think? Please comment.
Zane Says 