Four years ago today, I began what would become the first day of the rest of my life. On Feb. 3, 2022, my girlfriend, Kerry Kerr, died of an illness. We had been spending time apart because Covid and some other issues that made it hard for us to be together.
It pissed me off because two years earlier on the same day, my ex, Beverly had left me after nearly 19 years together. It happens. And while I was sad after one way of life was ending, I felt a little optimistic on the next journey. But then, fucking Covid happened. I was angry and hated the way our government handled it but I became more optimistic in 2021.
I hear a lot of people talking about not being too self-confident every time Jan. 1 rolls around each year. But what’s the fucking point of even living if you’re not looking forward to what the year has in store for you? I’m so used to disappointment that whenever something good does happen, I’m apprehensive that there’s going to be a catch to my happiness. I refer to it as the Red Knight, the same creature that haunted Robin Williams’ homeless character in The Fisher King whenever he had one brief moment of joy or happiness.
On Feb. 3, 2011, I slipped on some ice and fell on my tailbone and hurt my back. That’s 15 years of living in chronic back pain, never being able to sleep comfy in a bed or sit in a chair, walking with assistance and using a shower chair. I take pain medications and it’s caused my blood pressure to rise which is just the family curse.
Yesterday, I had to go to my orthopedic doctor for a medication refill as I have to do every month. It wasn’t a bad day. When I pulled up to the building, there was a handicapped parking spot for me right there at the front. At the time I was going to the doctor, there was hardly anyone there. I was in and out in less than 15 minutes.
I was able to stop by my chiropractor’s office before they closed for lunch. As for lunch for myself, I stopped to get Chinese food and as usual, it was very hot and very good and I had a lot to take home for supper.
When I got home, I took a nap but not before seeing that all my CPAP replacement equipment had arrived. Ok, I have a leak in the toilet that I got to get fixed and my cat is being so finnicky, she needs about two cans of Fancy Feast at least a day.
She almost died in November.
Some days are great. Others hit you in the gut like a Mike Tyson punch.
And the events after Kerry’s death weren’t the best. Two weeks later, another friend, Kelley Lash, died of a blood clot. My stepsister almost died of aneurysm also. My previous primary care’s office did absolutely nothing to help me in the grieving process. When I asked for a referral, they gave me print-outs of people to call on my own. And then, they screwed up a referral that resulted in me getting a little too angry than I should’ve. But what’s done is done. I have a better primary care now.
As I was grieving the death of Kerry, who I had known since 1993, I tried so hard to not let it get me down that I actually felt worse after a while. That’s the problem. There’s no universal way to grieve and mourn. My mom passed at 80. I was very sad but she lived a great life and her goal was to live to 80. There was no bad blood between us and our last conversation was very pleasant as I had sent some pics of Christmas lights.
Yes, there are days I can’t believe my mom is gone. But it actually helped me because I didn’t have to deal with all the mess in my home town much longer. And when we sold the house over the summer, it was like a new start for the better. Kerry didn’t really like Calhoun and some of the people there. There were, and still are, some awful people there.
And I know a lot of people will say that happens everywhere. But I wonder why we can’t put a stop to it and I think it’s because some people need the Mean Girls, the Karens and the Evil Church People to keep the unfair balance in the society.
Yes, there might be problems where I live but I like it a lot more than there. I have my own house that is paid for but it needs basic maintenance like all houses. My car is still running even though I’ll probaby have to get the AC unit fixed soon.
But I tried for years going to a fitness center on a regular basis and posting every day on this blog. But to be honest, I didn’t really like going to the fitness center because it felt more like a chore. And even though they had a pool, it was hard for them to get lifeguards for a while so it was closed. And then, you have all these people filming themselves.
Then, they started all the road traffic in between here and Tahlequah which made it a very longer drive to the fitness center. But usually by the time I got the center, I was already tired and frustrated with the traffic and trying to make it during a certain window where there weren’t many people at the center.
And about a year and a half ago, I realized that what I should’ve done was nothing. The problem with grieving is we have to put on shows for others. We have to show some type of emotion or reaction. But then, we should just shut it off or else we’re being overdramatic. We’re also not allowed to be emotionless if it doesn’t immediately hit us.
I can’t begin to tell you how I thought Kerry was faking her death and had gone through something as elaborate. There was a lot of denial. But I realized after speaking with her parents, it was real. And maybe I was expecting more people to turn to me to offer support but they didn’t, or at least I didn’t think they did.
I should’ve done nothing in the weeks or months but I tried to carry on and that just made me feel worse. I know a lot of people can’t really sit at home and watch TV all day and I tried to avoid that. But by doing more, I made myself more miserable. And on the days in which I didn’t want to go out, I argued with myself about going out saying it was lazy to stay in. This made me feel bad because I felt I should go out and I was letting the membership to the fitness center go to waste.
But now, I’ve realized I’m not lazy. I was doing what I felt others wanted me to do. But it became more of a chore and I lost so much interest. After an hour at the fitness center, I was ready to go home and I really didn’t see the point of going somewhere I really didn’t feel comfortable.
The hardest part is realizing you don’t have to do what others want. Sometimes, just taking a car ride was enough for me. And other days, it was just ok to stay at home and relax. There are 365 days in a year. You don’t have to outperform each day.
Things will get better over time. But give yourself the time and there’s no length of time I can tell you. It’s different from person to person. I lost the first person I ever was in love with and I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with her. Maybe I don’t need another relationship with someone right now or ever again.
I still have feelings for Kerry. I’m never going to lose them. I have her pictures around the house. I still have pictures of Beverly. You never really do totally fall out of love with people. Sometimes it’s just harder being in a relationship. You have to move on but you need to give yourself the time to move on.
In closing, I’d like to tell you I saw a social media post from one of my English professors (and the only one I liked) from college. He lost his wife in the Fall of 2000. Then, on Feb. 2, he said he met his current wife and as a tradition for 25 years, they watch Groundhog Day. He still grieves for his late wife. And most importantly, he loves his current wife who understands there was something there between him and his first wife.
Sometimes, we’re really lucky to have people who we love very much and love us all the same. But also we have people who understand that they don’t have a monopoly on your love or your life.
I love you, Kerry, and miss you!
Zane Says 