Who Cares For The Caregivers?

One of the biggest myths of our society is that we believe we’ll always have someone there to take care of us when we become frail, ill or invalid.

Yet, that’s not always the case. One of the common criticisms given when people say they don’t want to have kids is “Well, who’s going to take care of you when you get old?” Sometimes, it’s not simple. Expecting your children when they’re in their 30s, 40s and 50s to take care of you when they may have their own children possibly with health problems themselves is a luxury very few people have.

When J.D. Vance, who is now the Vice-President, said during the campaign trail that grandparents could take care of their grandkids, he was living in a mythical world where grandfathers are the guy from the Werther’s Original commercial and grandmothers are June Cleaver. Yet, that’s not the case. Most grandparents are in their 40s and 50s and they still have to work regular 40 hours a week jobs.

But grandparents have always had to work regular jobs. Hollywood and conservative fantasies have created this idea that once your first grandchild is born, you can retire with all the money in the world you’ll need for the rest of your lives. Even if that was the case, grandparents don’t always live a five-minute drive from their grandchildren.

For most people like myself who were latchkeys kids, we often had to take care of ourselves somewhat growing up as our parents had to work jobs that weren’t during banking hours. Older siblings often had to take care of the younger siblings in some capacity. It’s called parentification and if you’ve never had to deal with it you were either one lucky child or you were a single child.

I’m not the least bit surprised that Gene Hackman died about a week or so after his wife, Betsy Arakawa, passed away in February from complications to hantavirus pulmonary syndrome. Hackman reportedly had advanced Alzheimer’s Disease and a heart disease that is believed to led to his death. The sad part of is at 95, Hackman couldn’t have probably comprehended how to handle the fact his wife was dead. It’s very likely he had forgotten Arakawa had died by the time he was able to find a phone to contact the authorities.

As far as we know, Arakawa may have kept a phone from Hackman in the event he made a phone call or someone called him and he was unable to relay the message. I have no love for him but I heard in his last few years when he was physically able, Ronald Reagan would be kept busy by raking the leaves. He would rake them in the morning and then his staff would scatter them when he was inside eating lunch. Then he would rake them again in the afternoon. And the staff would scatter them again.

I’ve seen people with Alzheimer’s and it’s very hard way of life for them. Things change almost on a dime. The caregiver handles all the phone calls. The caregiver handles all the meals. The caregiver goes and collects the mail. The caregiver does all the errands and especially medical issues.

It’s a horrible thing. With heart issues, you have to take the right amount of pills. You can’t overdo it and you can’t skip it. Sadly, we live in a world where ableism and NIMBY is rampant in our society. We don’t care about anything until it happens to someone close to us. Someone from a modest household/neighborhood in town has a family medical emergency and the answer is to just pray. Then, someone from an affluent household or neighborhood has a family medical emergency and that’s all you hear about. Benefit fund-raisers are scheduled across the board.

When I was working as a reporter, there was a case of elder neglect where a woman was mostly catatonic and she was found in her own filth. The problem was she had an accident but her family had to go to work and they couldn’t take time off from work even an hour. Also, it was during the winter and the pipes had frozen up. It was a perfect storm. People who were taking care of an elder person were put in a situation where their employers didn’t care.

I know. I had been there. It’s a sign of our times that we’ve lacked so much empathy that we expect people to still go to work when their parents have been killed in a car crash or their house has burned down because someone threw out a lit cigarette near their house. I don’t wish ill harm on anyone but I do believe in karma that some of the employers I had are in the worst situations and no one cares about them or for them.

And that’s where the issues come up on who cares for the caregivers. Arakawa was reportedly doing it all for her husband. Yet, Hackman had three children who could’ve very easily helped. Now, some parents do alienate their children and vice versa so I’m not really sure what the issues were with his family. But if Hackman did have Alzheimer’s, his kids should’ve kept in constant contact even if my phone. I know that sometimes people with the disease become mean and unpleasant. One of my relatives became mean and so did one of my former neighbors.

I hate to say it but if Hackman was in that way, he probably needed to be in a home. But I’m wondering why there wasn’t someone else around to help them. Surely, Hackman was still getting residuals from all his movies, unless his finances was a contention between Arakawa and his children, as it sometimes is.

Two years ago, it was announced Bruce Willis had been diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia and he was retiring. His wife, Emma, has commented on the need for people to check up on caregivers in a recent social media post. “It’s just made me think of this broader story, and that is that caregivers need care too. And that they are vital, and that it is so important that we show up for them so that they can continue to show up for their person.”

It can be hectic. When I was with my ex who has many health issues, I got sick one time from food poisoning back in 2018. I could only manage to get up out of bed to help her with her medication. This was only for a few days. Most people are in bad health taking care of people with worse health. And sadly, they usually have family members less than an hour drive away to help out anyway they can.

But they don’t.

Why?

It’s easy. They don’t want to be bothered. My stepmother is helping take care of my stepsister who has been diagnosed with cancer. And my step-sister’s oldest daughter is helping out. She’s lucky.

But some people aren’t. They only step in when something bad happens, even if it’s minor. And now, they’re acting like they’re the ones who are working 24/7 to care for the loved ones.

When some of my ex’s family members began to treat me like the help is when I had enough. It was more than that. But if money is ever a factor, there are a lot of problems, especially if the caregiver is getting any money. I mean, food and basic toiletries are a necessity. It’s not like we’re going on a cruise while a loved one is in ICU which did happen.

At 95, Hackman might not have lived much longer, but people should’ve at least checked on him. My mom was 80 and when no one could get in touch with her for 48 hours as she wasn’t at church or responded to phone calls, a welfare check was requested. And sadly, it was discovered she had passed away.

If it takes a village to raise a child, then it should also take a village to care for your neighbors and loved one. Despite our political differences, a lot of people will often step in to help anyway they can.

Yet, I also think people also block out the signs. People are constantly posting on social media for “prayer warriors” whenever they stump their toe. Oh the other hand, people who really need help rally ever ask because they know people will take advantage of them.

I don’t doubt Arakawa might have expressed a need for help. But I also don’t doubt people didn’t really listen to her needs.

What do you think? Please comment.